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It's the Essence of a Person

I've no where else to put these thoughts. I've been a fan if Game Grumps for as long as they've existed. Recently it's been borderline obsession since they have new content everyday and there are various facets to the channel if I watch all 30 or so minutes of video game footage. Here's the thing though, I'm becoming uncomfortably enamored with Danny. It's kind of the same feeling I had (sort of still do) for Alucard from Hellsing. It's the confidence, happiness, kindness, and humor this man possesses that really mean a lot to me. It doesn't hurt that his singing voice is amazing as well. The odd thing is that I'm not normally attracted to "guys in bands" or "singers" or whatever. His stories from his past and what he's come away with resonate with me as they do for many other viewers/ fans. I respected those tales and took then to heart. What hooked me was the vocals on his Skyhill album. That's when things got heavy. If it's possible to fall in love with a voice then that's exactly what happened when I heard him sing those lyrics. I'd already listened to both his Ninja Sex Party albums and Starbomb but this was something else. Regardless, that's when I started becoming more attached to him. It's hard for me to say that I'm in love him, the person, but rather what embodies or makes Danny who he is. I could point to a picture of him and say, "I love him." but more accurately I should say, "I love what this person represents to me."

My mind wants to push me over the edge into loving the actual person but I've successfully talked myself down from it so far. It's a little like talking yourself down to prevent a panic attack. He has no idea who I am. Not even my name. I know far more about him than he ever could about me. What I know about him has been delivered via a comedy show and perhaps his stage persona. These are a few of the things I remind myself to stay grounded. Personally I kind of want him to get a serious girlfriend so I'm slammed into the ground but hopefully walk away with the same amount if admiration for him as I do Arin. I love both Arin and his wife Suzy a lot but it's a very different kind of love. That's what I want with Dan but for some reason it's not changing. If anything it's getting worse. I'm at least aware of when things get a little too obsessive and I repeat the mantra I mentioned above. It's just odd for me since I've never had these kinds of feelings for anyone famous or in this case pseudo/ internet famous. If anything it's been towards fictional characters.

*Sighs* Perhaps I watch Game Grumps, Mort3mer, Egoraptor, Ninja Sex Party, Rubber Ninja, and Commander Holly so intently because my own life is at a stand still. I've essentially been in purgatory for the last five years come December. I feel like I'm close to something. Close to figuring out what I need to do in life. Not so much a career but a purpose. Dan helps me stay positive. He's never down trodden on the show or in any of the videos that have been posted. Knowing where he's come from and how lost he was for so long and having a degree that means nothing makes me feel like there's no reason to feel helpless. Yeah I kind of think, "If he can do it, so can I." but that's not really what I glean from his life. I just have to keep following, doing, and sticking with what I love. Try to focus on that and not get side tracked by other things. Stick with it and be happy with it even if it's not fruitful. Be happy with what you're doing. That's what I get from him. His happiness is a source for my own happiness when I'm feeling deflated about my life's choices of where I'm going with it. Right now it means so much to have something like that it's hard not to have such strong feelings. I've never had a role model or someone I looked up to. It's kind of hard for me to put such a label on Danny but he and the rest of the as close to one as I'll ever have.

It feels good to get all of this out. It helped me solidify a few things as well. I just hope that my balancing act between admiration and obsession doesn't fall to far into the latter. If I can garner the courage, hope, creativity, and motivation I need to stay positive and productive from this wonderful man where's the harm in that?

Running Up A Mountain of Sand

What on earth do you do when your friends partake of something you VERY strongly disagree with? No it isn't illegal. No it isn't any of my business. However, there is no way for me to avoid it either. I'm speaking of the Pay to Play Tiger and Lion cubs at the Kalahari Resort and Waterpark in Sandusky Ohio. Currently I plan on attending Colossalcon next summer and it offers cub petting IN THE HOTEL FOYER! What the fuck!?!? There is no escaping this legal crime for me and honestly it WILL keep me from going. It's a 6hr, 4 day, $45 reg and hundreds of dollars for room and food trip. Yeah, this is something that I didn't even know was happening let alone wrong two years ago. Now that I do I try to let other people know about it but more often than not I come across a LOT of resistance and abrasive responses. Of course I can not stop anyone from doing what they want but I would like the chance to let them know what their actions are funding. I'm trying not to thread jack or harass or you know, be one of those rage internet people. However, this establishment is shoving this activity in my face at a venue that, quite honestly, it should not be held at. They have an Animal Adventure zoo type area on the grounds of the hotel but not IN the hotel so why put this in front of visitors? I just don't want to see it or know that my friends participated without prior knowledge of what's going on.

Shakey

Things are starting to shift for me right now. Not just physically but also mentally and the crowd I hang out with. I guess when your busy with your job and life in general you don't have time to step back and see your situation in a different light. Being on disability from the gangliod cyst extraction surgery has given me that opportunity. For better or for worse things are indeed changing. It makes me feel a little sick like almost any great life change does. However, this has happened before. I'm not sure why I can't stop repeating the same mistakes. I guess I could blame human nature for it but really that seems like the easy way out. At least with my dearest husband by my side we can kick back and laugh at the idiocy together. My cynicism and bleak view of humanity has risen to the surface once again. Hold tight, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

Late Night Thoughts on Life

Some of you may have seen my recent journal on the FA offering to draw ANYTHING for money. I received a nibble. A very odd one but I'm willing to do it. It's not gross, morbid or sexual; just very weird. I hope we'll be able to come to some sort of agreement on price and what he's looking for because it sounds like a fun challenge.

I've been doing some more searching for a job. I really can't stand to work at UPS anymore. Like I've said before, it's been very good to me and for me but it's gotten to the point where I need to be more on Jason's schedule. Not only that but it's slowly destroying my body bit by bit. This is what my post on Facebook relates to. UPS has caused all of my physical ailments since starting work there. Granted it pays for 80% of the treatment depending on how long I'm out and I only have a $200 deductible it's still not something I want to put my body through for a mindless job. There's nothing gained by doing this job for me now. I want something more mentally stimulating.

That being said I was considering the teaching route again. I would like the schedule since I would see Jason more and I'm still somewhat on school hours.... well.... okay maybe not school hours but it really wouldn't be hard for me to get into the school ROUTINE. However, this is the mental anguish dilemma. You'll have unpleasant things at every job you have but I would not care for the traffic I would have to tolerate the most. Driving no longer bothers me as much as it once did but I still cannot stand rush hour traffic, people that only get out to pick their kids up or weekend drivers. Not to mention the fact that I would need to go back to school to get my teaching degree and there again is not guarantee that I would even get a job.

Creating is the only thing that I am interested in doing right now. Drawing, sewing, planning or really anything constructive is most appealing to me. Not that it has anything to do with it but I'm again looking into places that I might try to becoming a body modifier, whether that be a piercer or tattoo artist. I know both are very difficult to obtain and you have to service people but what options do I have? I do what to learn more about each and if nothing else I can gain that knowledge just by hanging around a studio. That's the first step in trying to gain an apprenticeship anyway so why not? Well, the process of gaining admittance into the field as a fully-fledged mod artist is collecting pieces of your trade on your body. I'm interested in adding to myself but Jason is not. Granted I can see his point of view and do think about these things twice I don't see the real issue with it. No matter what I end up doing I can always cover up or take out what I've added. Besides that I truly want to create for a living. No matter what it is i want to make things for people. I enjoy it but there's no real way of making a decent living off of what you like doing anyway, is there? That's life's lottery I guess.

Bed times!

One Month Meme in One Day

This is how you do itCollapse )

Well I wouldn't really recommend anyone else doing this unless you have a lot of free time like I do right now. It took me about 2hrs to finish it in one sitting. Hope you enjoy it if you choose to read it. If not be glad I know what an lj cut is ;3

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Kuroshitsuji

I just finished it. While it wasn't the kind of ending I would've liked I think it suited the series well. Sebastian still looks so very much like Alucard from Hellsing so it was kind of a decadent desert that I really don't need to eat but enjoy the texture, flavor and slow transformation of solid to liquid.... you can't help but want more.

Hard

Uncle Eddie will be buried today and his service is at 10am. This funeral thing is hitting me a lot harder than I thought it would. Although being on period at the same time doesn't help things in the least. Not only that but I had to call and cancel my hotel reservation for the anime convention in Paducah today even though I will loose one days payment. However, since it was reserved through Priceline I had to call a hotline where, of course, I got to talk to someone who was soft spoken, a fast talker and whos first language was not English. He said I would get an e-mail in 5-6 business days of the status and this is after I had to tell him the name of the funeral home (and phone number), the name of the deceased (which I fucking mispelled S-C-H-R-O-E-D-E-R not S-C-H-R-O-D-E-R) and their relation to me! So don't ever use Dish Network nor Priceline. Oh and Dish Network STILL is refusing to discontinue service without a charge. Ugh. People truely suck sometimes. However, my awesome self sacraficing husband is willing to wake up at 5am after working until midnight today to take me to OMGcon Saturday. I really wish I could do something nice for him but he's also self sufficient so yeah..... Plus I have no money and blah blah blah blahy blah. Of couse that's my own idiotic fault. *Sighs* Keep your well wishes with me. I'm really going to need them this month -_-

Massive Headache

It was discovered today that my Uncle Eddie (great uncle, that is) has passed. The coroner said it was most likely a heart attack since his fists were clenched. He was fully clothed laying on the bed so mom deduced that he probably didn't feel well and decided to lay down at which point he perished.

Mom called 911 and an officer arrived. He apparently had to break one of the doors to gain entrance into the home to see what had become of him. Neither mom nor grandma had heard from him in two days and had not returned grandmas phone calls (very unusual). I guess the cop found him and let mom know (she was on the property... aka the front porch) at which point a corner had to be called to confirm the death and cause. The whole time no one can enter the house. During that time mom called and wanted me to drive to his house. Fun. I got there in time for coroner dealio. Soon after that the people from Rattermans Funeral Home came to pick his body up.... in a mini van!?!?!? Really fucked up. It was really sad though because they wheeled him out on a gurney but he was covered in a blue quilt. I knew it was him though -_- Mom and I were then permitted to enter the home. The saddest part was when mom listened to the messages left on his machine (all while I was looking for valuables to save). They were both from grandma. The first hoping Uncle Eddie had a good Memorial Day and the second wondering if he was okay. I had to muffle myself since mom was holding it together I needed to as well.

*Sighs* Never get Dish Network guys. Please don't do that to your family. You know when you pass on everything has to be stopped. Water, gas, electric, subscriptions, papers and income. Well, these fantastic people not only were out of town but did not take the time to speak coherently enough for my mom to hear them (talked too damned fast) and will not cancel a deceased persons programing without a certificate of death!!!! WTF!!! Mom got so upset on the phone with them that she started crying. By this time my sister was over at his house helping to collect anything of value. There had been some shadey people casing the place earlier and one dick head even had asked me if someone was dead while I was on the phone canceling my uncle's Courier Journal subscription! He also walked over to mom at the porch and asked her the same thing while she was talking to the coroner!!!! WTF DIES D:< That's why we were collecting things of value....

Soon after I had to go back to moms house to get ready for work. She used one of her precious option days so she could get paid today even though she didn't go to work. Sad thing is that if she doesn't go to work after this she doesn't get paid because it's an uncle. The other super sad thing is that there's no one to take care of all this mess besides her. Grandma is legally blind and my brother sister and I are clueless. Uncle Eddie never married, never had children and lived by himself. We are kind of all there is to set this up. Even worse is when I talked to mom after work. He has less than $3,000 to his name. *Pinches forehead* Times like these make me wish I could drink to forget. So my new job is to take anything that I think might have value in his house and sell it to pay for the bills.

I honestly had no idea that funerals were so taxing on the living. No joke. This is a limitless mountain chore that weighs heavily on those responsible.

Mameshibaaaaa!

I've seen them from a very long time ago but never knew what they were called. Now I do and I love love LOVE them!. Bean Dog main english web page has character information, shirts and short videos. Peanut, Coffee Bean, Jellybean, Chickpea, Chili Bean, Pistachio and Coco Bean are some of my favorites! I only know of there name because while watching Ao no Exorsist the subtitlers left in a few commercials. One being Baby Shiba! Way too much cute ,^u^,

Not to be out done, we gotta have some Kitty Loaf aka Nekopan. That's the site of the man that created it. Sadly there aren't any spiffy videos are what not for it. That makes it even more valuable :3 Kitty loooooaf 4 liiife! X3c

I Have It Again (Curse of the Chegg)

Last October I was off from work for 2 weeks because I had developed De Quervain's Tenosynovitis aka tendinitis of the thumb. The cause after 5 years of doing the same thing? Chegg boxes. These bright orange boxes are about 14" x 7" x 3"-5" and can weigh anywhere from a few pounds to 12-14lbs. The problem results when there's a lot of them coming down and in order to be efficient you pick up and scan one in each hand. That is how I destroyed my poor left tendon :C But Amanda, you say, doesn't UPS cover cost of injury and recovery? Good question! They don't cover it unless you say the right word. However, I said the wrong words 7 months ago. You HAVE to claim DISABILITY or you will not get your money. I made the mistake of trying my very hardest to get the company to own up to the fact that the job they had me do hurt me on the job. I wanted workers compensation. X X X X X X to the square! You do not pass 'go' or collect $200 but in this case over $400 for 2 weeks recovery time recommended and documented by two doctors, one being an orthopedic.

The short of it is that Chegg is coming in heavy again and my DQT flared up again last week. Last night (Tuesday) I didn't sort because I was worried the pain would get worse. Tonight I went into work but left because racking bags didn't ease the pain at all either. My supervisor pretty much told me not to come back unless I could sort but he's the most aloof superior I've ever had the misfortune of having so he might have spoken before thinking. I'm going to call our union representative tomorrow and see what can be done about this. The treatment is an anti- inflammatory (Ibuprofen), ice, a brace and resting the area. I can meet all the needs but one which Jason as well as myself feels is equally if not more important than the former.The problem with that is I'm not going to get paid if I take time off again unless it's for at least 8 days, I have a doctors note, that pay is only 80% and that's only if this claim is accepted. I still want to claim workers comp but it's morals versus money :/ Hustlers got my back X3c

*Sighs* Wish me luck guys... this is such a load... and makes me feel very useless -_-

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